The Innocence of Anger
We all have been wrongly led to believe that Anger is a feeling or emotion. Anger is not such; rather a behavior that is learned. This turns the highly accepted paradigm of Anger being a feeling and that it is ok to feel Angry upside down. There is an emerging school of thought that believes Anger is not acceptable, unless it is physiological since the Amygdala is protecting the organism.
Many people from a very young age were taught not to show emotions. A prime example is a father telling his son that men do not cry and to hold those tears in. In essence, we were taught that it is unacceptable to feel our feelings. Holding our feelings in can’t last, and that energy will ultimately come out. It often comes out as an outburst of Anger, such as screaming, throwing things, isolation, etc. We act out our Anger, and we don’t feel it. Underneath Anger is the feeling; that is what is important. It is important to stay with the feeling. For example, a person may feel disappointed, but rather than feel the disappointment, he/she often acts out in an effort to regain control and/or get what they want. Most of the time, their behavior makes the situation worse.
Real Life Example:
While I was observing court procedures, there was an individual detained for a bench warrant. The judge told the individual that she was going to sentence him 30 days of his year sentence and vacate the remainder 11 months. The individual asked if he could be released since his son’s birthday was in a few days and was going to miss it.
The judge declined his request. He was obviously disappointed and possibly felt like he was letting down his son. Rather than stay with his feelings, he acted out and started verbally attacking the judge. The judge said fine, I will give you the full year. The individual kept acting out and then threatened the judge, and she gave him 25 more days.
He continued until he received 100 additional days of incarceration, plus the year. He went from having 30 days to 465 days in jail, all because he didn’t stay with his feelings.
What does this mean exactly? After the judge declined his request, if he continued with his feeling of disappointment, and expressed his disappointment to the judge, she would have not sentenced him to more time. The reality is that she may have said tough luck, and you are doing the 30 days, but that would have been it. By him staying with the feeling, his sentence would not have increased.
Psychological Anger In More Detail
Psychological Anger is learned and this learning occurs by various methods, such as; physical threats (Physiological Anger), one’s parents, friends, etc. Our environment creates and reinforces our beliefs. This means, we learn that screaming at someone is a method of getting what we want. So, as we go through life, when we don’t get something we want, we revert to the learned behavior (i.e. program) and scream at the individual(s) etc.
The Amygdala ONLY reacts when there is a perceived physical threat to the organism, which is the only true and acceptable Anger. With Psychological Anger, an individual essentially creates a delusion that there is a perceived attack which validates them for acting out their Anger. Anger is a behavior since it is secondary, and often results due to feelings such as: embarrassment, disappointment, fear, etc. Essentially, Anger invalidates our feelings and becomes a mechanism to manipulate, control and exploit, so we don’t have to feel, because feeling often hurts.
All bad behavior comes from Insecurity. Trace it back and we will see that our screaming or throwing things was because of insecurity. We are creating the delusion that we are being attacked. If there is no physical threat, it is a delusion. Though, that delusion is real to us.
We relate everything in our world back to ourselves. It truly is all about ourselves; so in reality another person does not have the power to make us act out Angry. Our programs or conditioning allow them to trigger our response, and in essence grasp onto a victim mentality thinking other people, places or things can create our Anger. Our insecurities create a perceived attack (a delusion) which trigger our learned behavior (our programs).
A boyfriend perceives his girlfriend often flirting with other guys whenever they go out. She is very outgoing wherever they go. The boyfriend at first doesn’t say anything to discourage. When that doesn’t work, he begins to berate her and control who she sees, talks to etc. Of course that has a significant impact on the relationship and she ultimately leaves him.
The boyfriend becomes irate blaming her for their relationship breakup because if she just acted a certain way, he would not have had to act the way he did. Basically he believes his reaction is conditional upon what she did. The boyfriend was operating out of his insecurities and attempted to control her, as an attempt to keep her for himself.
If he understood that his feelings were coming from his insecurities, that would have kept him in the present, and not operating a program, while providing him objectivity. He wouldn’t have resorted to acting out his insecurities by attempting to control her, etc. They would more than likely be still together.
It’s About Change Within
Many people believe that for them to be happy, other people need to change, the government needs to change, etc. The reality is the change must come from within. Your life will shift by changing old programs (i.e. increase EQ emotional intelligence), identify & release insecurities, shift perspectives; and understand how your beliefs and expectations play a role in how you perceive people, etc.
We provide group and individual training related to Anger Management; assisting individuals in developing their Emotional Intelligence (EQ), assertive communication, empathy, and following from within.
The basis of our program deals with the 3 Principles (http://www.3pgc.org/), mind, thought and consciousness. Las Vegas Anger Management believes that we all have the capacity to healthy innate living.
Psychological Anger is learned, and our course focuses on teaching individuals the tools that will reduce stress, relieve anxiety and live with a quiet mind. We believe that at our core, we all desire peace, and a life that is centered and balanced. If this is what you are seeking, our program is what you want.