I Am Right & They Are Wrong
I see a lot of people beat themselves up for being angry. It is as though they believe they should be above such. They see “Anger” as something that is bad. Now, I am not saying Anger is either “good” or “bad”; rather that it just is something we as humans deal with. We are the ones that judge it, and in effect judge ourselves.
As Epictetus wrote, “It is not what happens to us that matters, but how we respond”. We all have acted out in Anger at different points in our lives at varying degrees. In some cases, Anger can result in life altering events.
If you have Anger issues, you may be thinking what can I do to stop such outbursts. Below are a couple of items I believe are significant contributors to fueling Angry outbursts, along with actions that may be helpful.
I Am Right – They Are Wrong
Whenever a person makes their beliefs or perspective right, they make any person who believes otherwise wrong. The funny thing about perspectives is that everyone has one, and such is their reality. Telling a person that they are wrong only solidifies their position. In addition, a person’s beliefs often justifies their thinking, providing them the illusion of superiority. Any person holding a belief contrary becomes a threat.
Now if you throw in Expectations into the mix, you have a formula for an angry outburst (Perspective + Justified Thinking + Expectations = Angry Outbursts). Many people are not open to other views; they are right and justified. When their expectations are not met in any given situation, an Angry outburst often results. A prime example is during our last election. People treated each other horribly due to their perspective, justified thinking and expectations (such is based in Fear).
The irony is many believe their frustration was a result of what the other party/individual was doing; rather than how they processed the information. We are not victims, and we have a choice on how we process information and respond. With that being said, how can one change such?
Change is often slow and requires diligence, but the mere act of realizing that other people often have a different perspective and that such are real to them allows for understanding (change). This understanding assists in closing the gap between different realities. We begin to have empathy. Understanding another person’s perspective is a cornerstone to emotional intelligence, which insulates the individual from the heat of acting out anger.
So, understanding another person’s perspective can be self-serving. Now the question is how to do such. Simple, remove judgment & expectations, look for items in common and ask questions. Ok, maybe not so simple at first when one is learning such. Though, the recognition of the different perspectives, letting go of judging a person/situation as either “good” or “bad”, and persistence of understanding the person/situation by asking questions (respectfully) will ultimately lead to huge leaps of peace within.
Not Accepting Reality – Delusional Thinking
Not accepting the reality of a situation is a significant contributor to Angry outbursts; such thinking is often the basis of irrational beliefs which fuels the rage within. People often have meltdowns because they are unable to accept the reality of a situation due to their expectations. For example, “People should be more polite to each other”. The reality is, they are not. Though, the key here is “should”. I am a strong believer that when I use the word “should”, I either place my values onto another person or live in a delusion.
Also, when a person becomes so self-involved and is unaware of their environment, they often develop irrational beliefs and anything contrary to their beliefs is often perceived as an attack which creates stress. In a nutshell, our own thinking creates the drama, frustration, stress, etc. in our life.
We can be our own worst enemies! What would happen if a person quieted their mind during a stressful moment? Although it may be difficult and they may fail at times; the attempt and diligence will ultimately create a shift in how they treat themselves. That may sound odd “treat themselves”, but that is the reality of it.
We choose what we attach our focus on (our reality), and how we react to the world. We are not victims as I said previously. Though, many people like to see themselves that way since it takes away their responsibility. They see life as happening to them, rather than them creating their circumstances.
When a person is unable to let go of the past, thinking that they could have done something different than what they did; that is the delusion. One may not like the circumstances or outcome of their actions, but holding onto the “could haves”, “should haves”, etc. just anchors the individual in the past, not truly experiencing the present.
If any of this is hitting home, what would your life look like if you removed the word “should” from your vocabulary? Attempt it and in time you will see many more words go to the waste side. If a person is unable to accept the reality of a situation, she/he is unable to move forward until such.
It appears we learn the most from our pain, which often result from our expectations. In addition, holding onto the past, shaming yourself about past attacks, etc. is counterproductive. What if you let go of the idea of being right? What if you let go of judging people, places, and things as “good” or “bad”? What if you gave yourself a break?
Those are some deep questions. Ponder on them and the world you see may be different. We are not our thoughts! We just attach to the ones we think will suit us best, whether our thinking is flawed or not (releasing ones flawed thinking is for another time).
If you are acting out Anger, consider quieting your mind with deep breathing. Doing such is critical for allowing a new perspective to present itself. Understand that Anger is based in Fear. Acknowledge the Fear, let it go and don’t revisit it. If you do revisit it, let it go again and don’t beat yourself up for such. Attempt to see the object of your frustration differently. Rather than seeing a jerk boss, you see a loving father, etc. Your practice will result in a shift.
Those few tools will pay huge dividends if you utilize them; peace will present itself in your life.
We provide group and individual training related to Anger Management; assisting individuals in developing their Emotional Intelligence (EQ), assertive communication, empathy, and following from within.
The basis of our program deals with the 3 Principles (http://www.3pgc.org/), mind, thought and consciousness. Las Vegas Anger Management believes that we all have the capacity to healthy innate living.
Psychological Anger is learned, and our course focuses on teaching individuals the tools that will reduce stress, relieve anxiety and live with a quiet mind. We believe that at our core, we all desire peace, and a life that is centered and balanced. If this is what you are seeking, our program is what you want.